Addiction is a Bitch

Anxiety has been a cloak for me to wear; a place of safety, to escape to and hide when I have felt naked, raw, and completely and utterly vulnerable.
The shittiest of places to feel safe….so terribly comfortable in the fiercest of discomfort.
The most punishing of safe places.
Why did I need to be punished?
Did I even? 
Is this why I chose anxiety; to be punished? 
Or was it simply familiar or supremely strong and reliable?
Why did safety have to feel so awful?
The letting go, the grief is loud and terrifying…and so fucked up…like saying goodbye to your abuser you’ve become unhealthily attached to for lack of another option and out of the shear need and primal impulse to survive.
Where you’ve been shattered, utterly crushed…and trust?….Trust that actually feels good? 
Fuck NO. 
You’ve learned to trust and count on the pain, hurt, and suffering.
Addiction; again.
‘A disease where you come back for more of what’s destroying you. The perfect storm.’ ~Matt Aldridge 
Time to move through.
Time to feel.
Time to let go.
Time to step into who I get to be without anxiety as a place of safety.
What DOES it feel like to not NEED anxiety?
What does it feel like to truly experience safety and security that is nurturing…where you’re really held, supported, empowered?
Who would I be, who do I get to be without this cloak, this place of safety?
What does safety get to look like instead?
What do I WANT it to look like instead?
And so I find myself compelled to mindlessly clean the refrigerator this morning. This place of nourishment…and sustenance.
No. It’s not irony. It’s life supporting me, us, in healing.
Crying…sobs, cleansing my heart, soul, body, of this prison of need.
One more piece.
One more layer.
One more deeep breath.
I feel it release…
relief
lighter
held
safe…joy. ✨
Is there a place you feel trapped in your life?
Some place you keep coming to to help you cope with life that is also hurting you?
Ready to be and experience 
Freedom?
Security?
Joy? 
Love?
Private message me. Let’s work together to move you through and beyond this place.
It may be a long road…
And what’s it costing you, emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially to keep things as they are currently?
Is it worth taking the first step in order to experience freedom, and life, the way you want it to feel?
Let’s talk and get you supported in creating what YOU want….in feeling safe, joyful, and loved in ways you’ve only imagined until now.

Do You Allow Yourself to Feel Joy?

We’re hard wired to feel good and to seek out ways to achieve this, yet, we’ve also learned that societally, feeling good, experiencing joy, is bad.
Energetically, we all have a vibration and are magnets. So whatever it is we are vibrating, we’ll get more of.
When we open ourselves to feel joy, and truly allow ourselves to BE in, surrender to, the experience of it, more joy comes to us. 
I remember the first time I consciously allowed myself to feel joy…it was excruciating and I could only handle it for a few seconds.
I imagine many people would have this same experience.
We want to feel good, deep down we know it’s what’s best for us, and at the same time we’re so used to feeling bad…and on top of that it’s more socially acceptable to feel bad.
Oh the struggle.
And, I have found for myself, the more I open and allow myself to be in and experience the feeling of joy, the more capacity I have for it and the more joyFULL my life experience is.
We can allow joy at anytime. 
It comes from within us.
If I think about the word ‘joy’ I can begin to notice sensations in my body that feel good.
I then relax my body and open myself up and create space for those good feelings to expand and flow into all the spaces in my body I’ve just relaxed.
It’s exquisite.
See how long you can do this. 
Keep breathing.
When you feel yourself shutting down and tensing up, breathe and relax again.
True bliss. ✨
Then pay attention to your experience of your day and what magic and miracles flow to you. 😊💫

We’re Always Doing Our Best

This may seem extreme AND if you think about it, life is constantly changing.
What we know, understand, feel, and believe in each moment, what we have available to us as our unique experience of life is all based on our past and what we’ve brought with us to this moment. 
This is where we make our choices from, consciously or unconsciously.
As we’re living, being presented with situations, making decisions (mostly from our subconscious), and acting on them, we are gaining knew knowledge, understanding, and beliefs…and our next choices will be made from what we’ve gleaned from this moment.

Have You Just Given Your Power Away to a Fucking Politician?

Our power.
This is our life; ours to experience and create.
Are we giving up our power to ‘them’; to those who seem to have power?
Are we giving up our power to worry, fear, regret, disappointment, sadness, anger, grief, desperation, despair, irritation, frustration, anxiety, depression?
Are we giving up our power to the past or to the future?
I can feel places in me kicking and screaming right now…that this isn’t fair, that sometimes our power is literally stripped away.
Yes. Sometimes that happens.
And, truthfully, we source our own power.
Our power to create was with us when we arrived; has always been ours, always will be.
We have been magnificently, breathtakingly created with ALL we need to make this life great. To make it a beautiful thing we love and feel safe and good to live.
Yes, but, what about…
Yes, what about that?
It happened.
It completely fucking sucks/ed.
Now what?
Gonna let them/it win and control you and your life?
You know those inspiring stories we love to read about and flock to theaters to watch on a monstrous screen?
They are inspiring because those people who seemed to have their power stripped of them, found it, within themselves, and created something SO amazing.
Perhaps not what they originally wanted or intended.
And.
Sometimes doors close in order to direct us elsewhere.
So cliche. I know.
And so true.
When our power feels lost or taken that is the time to use the power of our beautiful mind to begin asking questions, because finding answers is a super power of our brain.
And the BEST answers are found within us, our whole being; mind, body, spirit, soul.
When we ask a question, our mind goes to work on it…which activates our body, our spirit, and soul.
We’ve not been taught to listen to our bodies AND they give perfect and fantastic feedback; they cannot lie.
Our spirit, will be the still small voice that exists in our ‘deep down’ place, our gut, our inherent knowing, intuition…a place we’ve been taught to ignore…and don’t feel safe to trust.
Our emotions, our heart, when worked with, are very powerful.
There’s that power word again…
Pause…
How does reading it feel in your body right now?
Hmmm….
So? What questions can be useful, powerful?
One I find particularly useful is, ‘Is this true? Is this absolutely true?’
And, if I breathe and allow my mind space and time to seek the answer, I find it is also finding examples of how it is and/or isn’t true for me.
At which point I also get to pay attention to what emotions and physical sensations are coming up for me because that is my WHOLE self going to work to provide, nurture, and care for me.
For myself, I know, when my body feels tight and constricted, exhausted, and nauseous…that is NO.
And when my body feels open, light, expansive, energized, and my heart is also light and fluttery…that is YES for me.
Any emotions which come up are also for me…for me to attend to and FEEL, as there is a lesson in them, a message.
We are meant to feel good, to feel open, joyful, light, creative, expansive; powerful.
This is our natural state.
If we are not feeling good, we get to check in, get curious, feel, reorient, redirect, find the next thing that has us feeling good, and the next (even if that is simply going to the bathroom to pee).
I know this may seem naive and simplistic.
And…starting simply, gently, quietly, calmly…can be the most powerful place; ever.
Trying to solve a problem when we’re wrapped and tangled in it, when we’re frantic, isn’t truly even possible as our mind, literally cannot problem solve then. It’s too occupied, otherwise, creating the current story.
The moment we choose to stop, we’ve taken our power back.
Step out of the chaos….more power.
Assess the situation…more.
Ask if it’s absolutely true….SO powerful.
Begin the process of feeling through it and finding new solutions…we are accessing the fullness of our power to create our experience.
Taking action on those solutions…
FUCK YES.
THIS is us taking back and OWNING our power; using the gifts we’ve been given.
This is OUR power and is ALWAYS with us; ALWAYS ours.

Your Anger is Destroying You…Not ‘Them’

Do you ever find yourself holding onto anger toward someone as a way to punish them?
I used to do this, often, and without even realizing it.
I still catch myself doing it now sometimes…
Who does that REALLY hurt?
You.
‘They’ may not really know you’re even upset with them.
And what’s further…
You are holding all of that anger in your body and reliving the experience over and over and over again.
This literally creates a toxic chemical storm in our physical, emotional, and spiritual bodies.
You’re giving them the power to continue to fuck with you.
All the while ‘They’ continue to go about their life….perhaps oblivious.
A more powerful and much less personally destructive way to be with, and move through, your anger…get it the FUCK out of your body.
It’s destroying you.
Dealing with this anger and moving it out of your body doesn’t make what ‘they’ did okay, doesn’t get them ‘off the hook’.
It takes care of you, allows you to be responsible for you and your feelings, your life, your situation.
You take your power to think what you want, feel the way you want to feel; create the life YOU want, back….from ‘THEM’.
This is YOUR life and ‘THEY’ can’t destroy YOU…unless you allow it. ✨

The Beautiful Side of Need

This is where we begin. At the beginning of what our heart wants to express. 
And this is spoken primarily from one aspect; need in relationship with a romantic partner.
Need.
To need.
It has been such a fucked up place for us.
Needing often wasn’t allowed when we were little; wasn’t safe. Needs weren’t met….because the adults in our world didn’t have their own needs met…and so the cycle goes. We became codependent and lived in a warped frustrated never ending cycle and pattern of desperate need….the kind of need that has one believing death is impending should one not received what they want. NOW.
Where we’re always grasping, always holding onto HAVING what we want and that our very worth teeters on our receiving it or not.
Where we are enslaved, perpetually, forever to our want, our desire.
Obsessed.
Addicted.
The original sin.
The forbidden fruit.
‘Forbidden fruit my ass.’ He wrote.
And that night, we stepped into the Garden of Eden.
To know true need, is to be free.
At least, that is how I’m feeling and understanding right here, right now.
To be in complete acceptance of our need to need and just how sacred and beautiful this gift is.
Some would say this is DESIRE and right now, in this moment, today, my heart screams NO! because she knows who she is and what she feels; she knows, and trusts, her truth.
She has known her deep need for touch that is loving and gentle, and rough, primal, yet loving.
She has known her deep need for a voice that is soft, confident, strong, certain, leading, wanting, loyal, committed.
She has known her deep need to know all of herself.
She has known her deep need for eyes, deep like the sea; that hold SO much truth, strength, pain; knowing.
She has known her deep need for arms and a heart that can hold her and allow her the safety and space to BE all of who she is….wild and tame.
She has known her deep need to BE this for him…for others.
She has known her deep need for home; for that space within herself….and the deeply perfect and precious gift of finding that within another….a mirror…and a compliment of who she is.
The place where we look into another’s eyes and see ourselves, ALL of who and what we are, and SO much more.
A place of deep acceptance.
Breath caught in our throat.
Heart beating wildly.
Terror and elation all at once.
She has known her deep need for this.
Perfectly imperfect.
This place of need that is oh so freeing.
She has known her deep need of believing this could be possible.
She now recognizes her deep need to keep believing and to see and BE in it; to live it.
She now recognizes her deep need to believe the Universe has her back; always. That she gets to have and live this gift; that the Universe deeply, truly wants her to have this….perhaps the Universe needs her to….needs her to open and receive it….to revel, create, BE in joy inside of it.
She now recognizes her deep need to receive and accept this gift.
Her head can barely grasp the brevity of what she is realizing….and her heart knows….has always known…and rejoices that the time for this is here.
Her conscious knowing.
Him.
This relationship.
This connection.
This experience….and all that will come of it….all that will be created.
This breathtaking gift.
This confirmation of all she has known…and in the knowing her now deep understanding of her worth, of the magic and power of the Universe, of just how deeply she is loved, admired, and adored; this child of the Universe.
This One, she, who said ‘YES.’ to this experience, in this place, at this time.
She is overwhelmed, in awe, astounded…tears flowing in a steady stream down her perfectly imperfect, beautiful human face.
‘You get to want what you want.’
‘Don’t you see how much I want to give you what you want?’….and she feels, deep inside, in every cell…’How much I need to….because it’s who and what I am…and how much you need to receive because it’s who and what you are…’.
And she lies on his chest, listening to his heart beating as he kisses her head.
And she reads this article (http://lissarankin.com/how-to-be-needy-without-being-codependent) by Lissa Rankin…..in which need is described as,
‘We need healthy food, clean water, shelter, physical and emotional safety, emotional intimacy, and a feeling of belonging to a tribe of people who love us. We need the opportunity to do work that matters—without having to sell our souls for a paycheck—so we can give our gifts to the world and have them received. We need to be loved but we also need a place for our love to land. We need beauty and nature and the opportunity to express ourselves creatively. We need sex and good health and a deep connection to our true self. As humans, we have needs. It’s a simple fact. If we don’t get our needs met, we suffer and/or die.’
And finally so much is clear….another side of need, that isn’t her wounded inner child…
Why she needs his touch, his voice, his eyes…
Why she feels so sad when they part….
Why she feels so antsy, agitated when they haven’t seen one another for some time…
Why her anxiety was so loud that one time…
Why she so needs to belong…
Why she needs sex…
That he feels and needs all of this too…
That it truly is safe to believe they get to be and do this together…
The mind blowing, heart opening gift this is…
That this goes way beyond the codependency she has been so afraid of….
Why she’s been so exhausted….because she’s been holding back, fighting what truly wanted to be and flow….because ‘What if….’…
Yes. What if?
Is it still worth it?
Yes.

 

Completely.
That it’s safe for her to need and to want and to express both.
And it isn’t just with him…it’s all around her, in each of her relationships, and in her creative space.
That YES. She needed to BE all of this for herself first…and now it’s time for both, for her to open to, trust, and receive what she needs from others as well. That this gets to be her new lesson.
Need.
It’s been so taboo.
It’s been revered and admired to be independent.

What of interdependence?
There is more than one side of need, more than one perspective, more than one truth and way of experiencing it; everything.
It’s time to take a good hard look at, and experience the freeing, healthy side, Love.

You Get to BE Fucking Angry

You get to have, own, and FEEL your feelings. If you don’t you become a slave to them.
Be free, Love.
Feel.
It’s safe.
And if you’re wondering how the fuck to actually FEEL, cause aren’t you already? Isn’t that why your life sucks? Because it FEELS awful??? (No. That’s not why your life sucks. And you aren’t truly FEELING if it does)…if you’d love help to turn your life around and have it feeling amazing; to understand, learn about, and work through this…private message me. 
My Unpack Your Heart program might be JUST what you need. ❤️

Healing at our Roots.

Roots.
This has been showing up for me a lot lately and in true, ‘Let’s REALLY and magically clear some shit’ style, I also found myself deeply desiring and feeling called to move some bushes in my yard.
Cuz. Seriously when we do it literally AND metaphorically fucking AWESOME shit happens. ✨
Roots.
Beliefs can be held in our core at the very root of who we are.
At some point, they served us in our life.
Many times, they are passed on to us in our DNA from our parents, grandparents…generations ago.
And it stands to reason, that some beliefs we currently hold, usually unconsciously, no longer serve us.
When this happens, we are out of alignment energetically and our life feels off and messy.
We are forever evolving and growing and shedding what no longer serves.
This is the very literal process of life.
Often this ‘shedding’, or transformation process, requires us to get out our inner archaeologist and do some conscious digging, unearthing, of these deeply held beliefs so that they can be let go.
The letting go…is a dying process and can be beautiful and excruciating all at once.
Sometimes our deeply held beliefs are wrapped up in and around one another; tangled.
Sometimes, all we need do is surrender to our feelings, feel them(which can absolutely be easier said than done), and the beliefs untangle and clear on their own.
Other times, we get to do a bit more excavating and getting conscious about what is at the root of our feelings and/or physical symptoms.
We get to do a bit more work with it….perhaps writing or some special inner child work or other techniques.
The closer we can get to the root belief, which may sometimes say…
‘I’m not enough.’…
‘I’m inherently wrong.’…
‘I learn everything the hard way.’…
‘Life is hard.’… 
and clear it, the more amazing changes we’ll begin to see in our world, and quickly too.
It will astound you. ✨
Roots.
Clearing out at the roots can be an amazing experience and most certainly creates a new foundation from which to create and build the new life we’re dreaming up.
Imagine clearing out the root, or core, belief ‘Life is hard.’ and replacing it with, ‘Life gets to be enjoyable and easy.’
Yes. Just imagine for a few moments…
How might your world begin to appear??? 😉✨

It’s Safe to Bliss Out on Your Life

We’ve been burned…so many times in the past.
Fuck! that hurt.
Taught us to stay small, safe, quiet, hiding, not taking chances, not trusting….in fear.
And it was justified. 
Hot stoves fucking hurt when you touch them and it then becomes completely logical to never touch that shit again; ever.
And this is true…until it isn’t.
Until it’s no longer serving to truly keep us safe.
Until it’s only serving to keep us small.
Until it feels like a prison and we’re going insane with depression, anxiety, sickness and wondering what the FUCK is going on and why we’re SO unhappy.
And when this happens we hopefully reach a point where we’ve had enough and the walls of our prison begin breaking and falling down….
Which probably feels like death and absolute and utter destruction …and it is…only it’s not the end…only a new beginning…YOUR new beginning, free from the prison.
Your new beginning with your new foundation forged in the fires of your own personal hell; a hell you’ve risen from and can never go back to….
And THIS is why it is safe for you to open to, allow, trust, and accept JOY and GOOD into your life…
You’ve already lived in and moved through hell. 
You’ve learned what you needed to learn and transformed…there is only one way to go from there…
And you get to create it everyday…heaven. 
Your own personal heaven; bliss.
It’s safe, Love. 
Take a deeep breath. 
Relax. 
Smile.
Allow YOU to be filled with and to BE in the experience of JOY.
It’s yours.
You created it for yourself.
LIVE and bask in it. ✨

Ravaged. Uh huh.

Yesterday I asked what the word ‘Ravaged’ brought up for people; what they noticed in their bodies when they read it.
I’m so impressed by the responses and courage of those who did.
Thank you. 
Courage means, ‘To love.’.
Words are so powerful, they’re magical, spells all on their own. They ignite responses from our bodies based on our experiences, perception, understanding, and beliefs.
Ravaged is a word that can bring up many different responses.
For some people it connotes violence and pain; destruction and fear.
For others, it puts them in a state of ecstasy and bliss.
The dictionary definition of ravaged says things like, devastate, ruin, destroy.
How can a word that means such destructive things also put people in a state of ecstasy and bliss?
To be fully alive IS to be ravaged.
To be fully alive is to be present to every aspect of life; to be naked, vulnerable, intimate, fully and completely seen in all of our wholeness….our light and our darkness.
To be ripped open, bleeding all of who we are for ourself and others to bear witness.
As women we hold a deep desire to be ravaged by our man; to be taken.
Men, a desire to ravage; to take.
This can be moved out further to feminine and masculine.
There is a part of the feminine that desires to ravage and masculine to be ravaged. It is balance. We are all both masculine and feminine. 
Denying these desires leads to ugly versions of ravage and destruction.
And by all means if this experience has you shutting down instead of opening up, stop and love and honor yourself and your partner and figure out why.
As humans, our deepest desire is to be seen, fully, in our lightest light and our darkest dark, and to be loved in, and for, ALL of who and what we are.
To lay this bare, to be open in this way; to express our desire, and then surrender and allow it to happen, to let it flow through us and take action, takes exquisite courage.
And…
Is the ultimate experience of living; full out.
To surrender, allow, say yes to the most primal parts of ourselves is to love ourselves deeply and to place our very precious and sacred trust in ourselves and another.
These are the primal, savage places of ourselves and primal and savage in our society carry much shame, hate, resentment, grief, and fear.
Thus, we hide. 
Hiding has us shutting down, not showing up, lashing out and protecting, pushing love away instead of allowing it to flow from within us and into us from others.
And this may have been/be necessary for our survival in some situations.
And.
To love, and open, allow ourselves to be loved and not succumb to the shame, hate, resentment, fear takes tremendous courage, breathtaking rewards.
Isn’t this why we signed up to life and choose to enter into partnership in the first place?
To step into an experience, say yes to having a place to show up, in all of our breathtaking, messy humanness…where we are most certainly going to be ravaged whether it’s by life and the experience or also and hopefully in the even more sacred intimacy of our bedroom (or kitchen, or living room, laundry room, garage…), regularly and often.
To grow and step into the next highest version of ourselves.
To have a place we’ve committed to showing up fully as ourselves to love ourselves and another so beautifully it hurts and moves and grows; deepens us.
To revel in the light and see and know the dark and say, ‘ Still. I love you still…and even more for having seen.’
For the magnanimous privilege of loving; deeply, messily; beautifully.
Our relationships are the reason we are here.
Our relationship with ourself, how we ravage ourselves, how we go into our deepest dark and lightest light, and see…and love…this determines the depth and quality of our relationships with others, our experience of life.
In partnership, being in partnership, IS to be ravaged…and the more we open ourselves, show up to the exquisite and terrifying experience of love, the more beautiful it will be.
What we do, how we show up, in our most intimate places and times has a direct effect on our experience and perception of life as a whole.
When is the last time you asked to be ravaged or ravaged your partner?
Or perhaps you never have…
Want to deepen and strengthen your relationship?
Allow Ravage.
Be real and raw….
In your words.
In your actions.
In your sex.
In your washing dishes.
In your work.
In your life.
There is no right or wrong. 
There is your way and your way together, Love.
Be open.
Be vulnerable.
Be courageous.
Yes, take a chance.
Risk.
Something completely amazing will happen.
Promise.
I used to be the person who hid, put up walls to keep herself safe.
That wasn’t working for me; had me sick and miserable in my life.
I sought and found help and…
Slowly, beautifully, over time opened up and am now able to show up to life, open, and still guarded in places, AND willing to continue to open and surrender more and more…to truly live.
This being ravaged thing…in ALL the ways it shows up in my life 😉☺️, is exquisite.
Wanna experience ravaged and exquisite?
I can absolutely help and support you in creating this in your life. 
I’ve already helped others who are now thriving in their relationships.
Get out your courage.
All it takes is one step and then the next and the next.
First step…
Private message me, (second step) let’s talk.✨